Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego two days before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Maybe I Pushed Too Hard

It's official. Christmas is less than 30 days away. Scream with me now, people.

Last year I foolishly started the tradition of having Santa send a letter to Jack and Luke. The letters were very cute, with an official North Pole post mark and kind words from Santa praising the boys on personal accomplishments.

The letters also referred to the things the boys thought they would be receiving from Santa (e.g., I know that you will be a good boy the rest of the year so I can bring you the Nintendo DS you want). Thankfully, Luke couldn't read yet, allowing me to modify this part of his letter as I read aloud from FurReal Parrot to RoboQuad. I guess that's a risk you take with these letters, like buying Halloween costumes too early.

I'd like to continue the tradition this year, but Jack cannot decide what he wants from Santa. I keep making suggestions, and he keeps saying that he just doesn't know what he wants. And I can't very well have him receive a letter that says I know that you will be a good boy the rest of the year so I can bring you the insert gift here you want.

So I keep asking. And asking. And asking. And I got my answer.

"I want suction cups for my hands and feet so I can climb up walls."

So his letter from Santa will read:

I know that you will be a good boy the rest of the year so I can bring you the suction cups for your hands and feet, the stitches for your head, the ice pack for your butt, the cast for your leg, the splint for your arm, and the case of wine for your mom.

So, does anyone know where I can find some suction cups?

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Games We Play

After we are finished reading books for the night, Luke usually wants to play a game to extend his awake time as much as possible. So, we are snuggled in bed and he makes up some ridiculous game and we play it for a while, me hoping to wear him out so he drifts to sleep and he hoping to work himself up so he stays awake as long as possible.

One of his favorite games is the rhyming game. There are no rules. He says a word, which doesn't even have to be a real word, and I say a word that doesn't have to be a real word that rhymes with the word that doesn't have to be a real word that he said. Or, I say a completely non-rhyming word that doesn't have to be a real word, and then he can say a word that doesn't have to be a real word that rhymes or doesn't rhyme with what I said. It is basically just an excuse for him to yell out words like snot or barf or poop or p*nis.

As we were playing this game the other night, and we were actually doing pretty good at making real rhymes with real words, I paused the game to say, "Do you realize that the word booger rhymes with the word sugar?"

"So?" he said.

"So, don't you think it's weird that something that is so yucky and gross that you would never eat in a million years sounds so much like something that is yummy and delicious and is used to make candy and cake and cookies and things that you would eat non-stop if you could?"

He stared at me, it seemed, in deep contemplation over my profound statement. I expected some response to my observation, which was just the sort of enigma Luke would normally want to study and scrutinize. I anticipated his response. He opened his mouth to speak. I waited for it. He said,


The game continued.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Saturday Laughs

Why Men are Not Secretaries

Husband's note on the refrigerator to his wife:

"Doctor's office called:

Said Pabst beer is normal"

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Maybe He Could Learn to Clean It, Too

We had the first hint of frost on the grass early in the morning. I watched our puppy traipse across the lawn like a ballerina, never allowing one paw to linger too long on the icy ground. He is a northern breed, but he has never experienced snow or frost.

My kids watched happily as Indy did his little foot dance while trying to take care of his business. "What will he do this winter?" I wondered aloud. "I guess his little feet will just have to get used to it."

"We can teach him to use the potty," Jack said, which of course got fits of laughter from his brother Luke and immediately became the best idea ever.

That's just what I need. One more boy dripping pee all over the toilet.

Monday, November 17, 2008

I Watched

I watched a group of boys running down the street, hanging bags on doors of houses to collect food for a good cause.

I watched two moms talking with each other, clearly outnumbered by this group of boys and knowing it, so going with the tide instead of fighting it.

I watched my now 40+ pound puppy, with big, white, shiny teeth, excited by the activity on the street in front of his yard. I watched him running back and forth across the yard and barking, the hair on the back of his neck standing slightly at attention.

I watched the boys, behaving in a pack-like manner as boys tend to do when gathered in groups, teasing my puppy with faces and taunts and chants of "You can't get me," which my puppy certainly could have done if he wanted to.

I watched the moms, waiting for one to intervene and tell the boys not to tease the puppy, but watched them instead continue their conversation and ignore the boys.

I watched my puppy obeying the flags that warned of his invisible fence boundary, even though all of his instincts were urging him to play, Play, PLAY with those boys.

I watched one of the boys stop and make gestures as if he was shooting and killing my puppy over and over again, after which he yelled, "That's what you get you bad, stupid dog."

I watched the moms, sure that would do it, and watched them continue walking ahead of the boys with no indication that a lesson was forthcoming on why it is wrong to instigate strange dogs.

I watched my puppy obey his fence boundary, disappointed that no one would be coming in the yard to play with him.

I watched the group pass down the street, grateful that my puppy's collar did its job and that Indy stayed in his yard and did not go after those boys and chase them and nip at their ankles, which is how my herding breed puppy tends to play.

I watched Indy walk inside, past the table by the door where his invisible fence collar sat having been neglected to have been put on him by me before I let him outside earlier.

And I watched a scene play in my mind of a puppy playing with a group of boys who in that puppy's mind so obviously wanted to play, and that puppy getting taken from his family because he likes to nip ankles and I forgot to put his collar on.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Saturday Laughs

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady."

Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth".

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Have You Ever...

...tried to have an entire conversation, replacing the first sound of each word with "cr"? So instead of "Have you ever," you would say, "Crav crew crever." Confusing? You're telling me.

Luke insisted I spoke to him this way the other night. It was hilarious to him and he had a hard day so I indulged him. It got tiring for me as I had to say everything in this manner, and then repeat it normally when he could not figure out the code.

"Crit craughing. Crime crying crew cread cris crook."

"What did you say?"

"Quit laughing. I'm trying to read this book."

"Say something else."

"Cry craw crurts. Cran cry crop?"

"What did you say?

"My jaw hurts. Can I stop?"

"No. Say something else."

Crand cron. Crand cron. Crand cron.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Guess Who Jack Likes

It's the scarecrow. You can almost see him imagining a future together, as his head tilts lovingly to one side.

Had he stared much longer, I would have had to douse him with a bucket of water.

And let me just add that I'm really proud that he doesn't always go for the sexy, belly-dancer types. He does almost always go for the blondes, though.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Saturday Laughs

Investment tips for 2008

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2008:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros ., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4.) Zippo Manufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge together to become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected after their merger to become: PouponPants.

8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will merge and become: Knott NOW!

And finally....

9.) Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge and do business under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Grosser Than a Dog's Butt

My son Jack, who is adverse to germs and won't even touch a toy that Luke has touched after having sucked his thumb, lets our puppy Indy lick him in the face.

Jack wakes up at 6:00 or 6:30 every morning, and we spend a few minutes with Indy in my bed playing and snuggling. Jack said today, "It's kind of a little bit gross to think that he has licked me after he has licked his p#nis." Ummm, yeah.

So I said, "If I told you all things that were in his mouth, you'd never let that tongue near you."

"Like goose poop?" he asked.

"Yes, and other things."

"What else?" he asked. You know boys - the grosser the better.

"Well, dog poop, vomit, other dogs' butts, dead animals."

"Oh yeah. And daddy's dirty socks."

Maybe it's time to use some bleach on those socks, John.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

This is the House that John Built

With scary Jack-O-Lanterns

And sticky spider webs

And smoky ponds

And flaming pumpkins

And a creepy graveyard

Complete with a camouflaged hole

From which a ghoul jumps out and grabs you

Monday, November 3, 2008

The Haul

Halloween in St. Louis comes with certain traditions. The most notable one is the tradition of kids telling a joke before they can get their candy. Our jokes this year:

Jack's - What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite.

Luke's - What do you do when a man falls overboard? You say, Man overboard! Help! What do you do when a lady falls overboard? Full speed ahead!

Their personalities completely match the jokes they told. Jack's was sweet and innocent and requiring a bit of thought to unlock the riddle. Luke's was unexpected and funny and a bit ornery.

When the candy came out after the joke telling, Luke's joke was followed with, "Do you have anything that's not chocolate?" Luke does not like chocolate, and when the answer was "No" he said "No thanks" or more often the less mannered "I don't want it then." That is why the final candy haul looked like this:

Our other boy even got a treat or two at various houses. His joke? Just look at him.