Friday, April 10, 2009

The Beginning of Another Year

It’s hard to believe that a year has gone by. A year since my mom called to tell me my grandma had died in the night. We all thought she we would live forever, though we knew that was an impossibility. With some people, it just feels that way.

Time is a strange thing. It can be your enemy or your best friend, depending on what your needs are, what emotions you are having, what experience you are in at any particular moment. Who can explain it? Why does it seem that time stands still for seconds, minutes, hours, days when you are deep in grief and then suddenly, unexpectedly, you look back and the past weeks, months are a blur and a year has slipped by? Is that healing? Is that moving on? Or is that numbness?

I like to think it is dealing with the pain and moving on with life, because I know that is what loved ones would want and expect from us. And when I look back over the weeks and months, I know that I have been happy and living, and not numb or in pain. It is just the trickiness of time that makes me question it all.

We talked about getting together tonight as a family so no one felt alone on this day without her. “But why?” I wondered. Why mark a day that could not be changed, or taken back. Why mark the day where each day after was a little bit worse?

As I spoke with my mom on the phone about why we shouldn’t get together, how we were too busy and it wouldn’t make a difference, my phone clicked. Hers did too.

“What was that?" she asked.

“It must have been grandma,” I said. “She’s letting us know she’s all right. She’s with grandpa and they’re having a good time.”

We both laughed, and started another year without her.


Anonymous said...

It is hard to believe a year has past since Mrs.K. went to be with Our Savior. I love her and miss her and am blessed to have shared special times over the years which I treasure in my heart. She always treated me with respect and was there for me. You and Nan are blessed to have a mother who has the same qualities as your grandmother and shares the agape love which embrasses the family. It was always a treat to hear the boys say "Hi Maw" to her, she felt so special when they where around her. So as a new year begins I just wanted to let you know my feelings and memories of a treasure of a lady who made all she met feel special and loved.

katydidnot said...

yes, it was her. listen. :)

Mommica said...

Hi Heather - (off-topic comment): I will definitely do as you asked - I would love to offer my support this way! thanks :)

Beth Cotell said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. ;)

And I'm quite certain that was your grandmother "clicking" in!

Shan Nan said...

yea Hev, time is a tricky thing and i'm glad you didn't say time is a funny thing like some, because to really isn't. I feel like some of our life, childlife, medium life, adult just seems like another lifetime ago. Like how can i be almost 40 and feel as though 100's of years and lifetimes have passed. Almost like they are'nt even in the same era? I know they are because thats how i believe and besides, i don't think God would make us come back to go through it all again. Even though there are coulntless GoodTimes, the not so goodtimes would just be to much to handle in my playground(mind). Faith is the substance of things hoped for,the evidence of things not seen. Hard pill to swallow, maybe, but i believe it and sometimes thats what keeps me from sayin F it all! Harsh, i suppose, but its honest. The love i have with/for Jesus,you,the family,and even myself, is what makes my "go"juice. You guys are worth livin for even if NOTHING else was. I Love you sooo and Thanks for being who you are:)