I’m writing my letter to you this year
In hopes that you’ll lend a hand.
You too live in a male-dominated household
So my requests you’ll understand.
You must be busy keeping all those elves fed,
Looking for lost hats, and keeping things clean.
Honestly I don’t know how you do it;
I’m guessing lots of caffeine.
If you could find a moment to read my letter
And put these gifts under my tree,
2008 will be a much easier year
Living in a ratio of one to three.
I’m not asking for normal gifts this year,
Not for jewelry, clothes, or shoes.
My requests have a more specific goal -
To cure me of my MDH blues.
I would like bathrooms that are always shiny,
And toilets that clean themselves.
You must be aware of the dribbling pee problem
From cleaning up after all of your elves.
Can you bring me cups, utensils, and dishes
That carry themselves to the sink,
Then wash and put themselves away
While I relax sipping a drink?
I also need rubber walls and floors
And furniture, while you’re at it.
I can hose them all down when they get grimy
And they will be soft when my boys’ heads hit.
And while I’m asking maybe you can send
A chef to cook meals in this amount:
One for Luke, one for Jack, and one for John
Hot dogs and Lunchables don’t count.
I know you’re not a miracle worker
But with your help I wouldn’t have to pay,
Cause living with boys is speeding the process -
Please stop my hair from going gray!
And if you can do that you can stop the wrinkles
That living with all boys induces.
And reduce the aches that I feel in my bones
From the boys’ daily bodily abuses.
And it would be nice if I could enjoy a meal
Without the gross factor ever starting.
I can’t remember the last dinner I had
Minus poop talk, burps and farting.
I know you have empathy being outnumbered too,
Yet your face always has a smile.
So my last request is for a year’s worth of patience
And if not that, send me to a tropical isle.