Worry no more, people! Because you've come to the right place for the directions for an activity sure to please even the most discriminating boy in your household. And all you need are a few simple items that you probably already have in your own backyard and hanging around your house and garage.
- One rope
- One sturdy chimenea placed a fair distance from anything flammable and from running children
- One lighter
- Dead trees - bonus points if any are partially hollow and filled with carpenter ants
- One chain saw
- One determined husband
- One break from rational thinking
- Try to talk husband out of project.
- When that fails, remember the last time you cut down dead branches at your last house and nearly destroyed your porch and got your head bashed in.
- Tie rope around tree.
- Try to talk boys out of helping.
- When that fails, send boys to neighbor's yard to play.
- When that fails, have boys hold end of rope at greater distance from the tree than the tree's height and place yourself between the boys and the tree.
- Say silent prayers as husband begins cutting tree with chain saw.
- Yell to boys to "Pull, pull, pull," and tug rope as husband cuts tree with chain saw.
- Watch as neighbors come out on porches to watch the spectacle, and wonder which ones will call social services.
- Stare in amazement as tree falls gently to the ground, no one is hurt, and the project is finished successfully.
- Realize there is still chance for injury as husband begins to saw tree into small logs.
- Lift boys up to examine hollow tree stump and all the carpenter ants that made it their home and killed the tree to begin with.
- Carry small logs to chimenea.
- Start fire with lighter.
- Listen to ants scream and attempt to scurry to safety as logs catch fire.*
- Don't even think of trying to document any of this with a video camera, unless you want to virtually guarantee a trip to the hospital for one of the participants.
- Later that night, tell your mother all about it.
- When she says, "I hope you were safe," tell her that, despite your best efforts to injure or maim your family, you failed once again.
*Just kidding. No ants are to be burned alive as part of this activity. We're not breeding serial killers here.