- Next time I hear hissing while working in the yard, step away from the rake and pruners and replace with a book and glass of wine.
- Don't go in the house and ask my husband to come out and investigate the suspected snake that would be the source of the hissing unless I want my yard work to be subjected to unsolicited critiquing.
- When husband asks, "What are you expecting me to do?" don't get all huffy and mumble that you don't know why you asked him to come out here in the first place and tell him just to go back in the house. Rather, explain to him how it is every girl's fantasy for her prince to come to her rescue and slay the dragon - even a woman like me who is fiercely independent and unromantic to a fault.
- When further investigation with a rake does not produce the suspected snake, do not believe yourself when you convince yourself that you are crazy.
- Large, fuzzy mushroom and small, sick bat partially buried by leaves look surprisingly similar, especially since small, sick bat looks like fuzzy lump with wings and teeth but no head or eyes.
- Small, sick bat hisses like snake when disturbed by a woman doing yard work.
- Children think that small, sick bat is enormously adorable and want to keep it as a pet, quashing any thoughts of putting poor small, sick bat out of its misery.
- Former rule of avoiding all yard work in overgrown areas that may contain spiders of any size; poison ivy; snakes; rabid raccoons; and small, sick, hissing, no headed, no eyed, toothed bats shaped liked mushrooms shall be reinstated immediately.
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